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Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Excerpt from my book, 'God Loathes You' - from the chapter titled: Uncle Jake

   Seconds became minutes and then hours and before I knew it the last of the sunlight was ebbing as the fiery crimson orb dipped below the horizon. Rising from a drunken slumber I caught the last tendril of the sun’s rays as it lost its grip on the world outside my door. My eyes opened and shut trying to adjust to the sudden illumination. Darkness swept across the world and invaded my surroundings. And I fell asleep again and was lost to the world.

   I woke up in a strange yet familiar place. The house I had known was all around me but somehow it wasn’t the same. A bright shimmering light shone through windowless openings in the walls. Then I could see the silhouettes of two people. One was tall and had a similar build to my own and the other was shorter and had long hair. And before this could register in my spongy brain soaking up all the details albeit slow and deliberate a third form appeared. The newcomer was also female but older than the girl and was taller. Not as tall as the man but close and a thick blotch of blackness revealed she had long hair and wore it down.

   Curiosity got the better of me and so I climbed to my feet finding it easy to do so. Such a strange feeling was this being drunk but sober at the same time. I knew that I had spent the better part of the day drinking and writing but I had never felt so good. Pushing aside the reservations I felt about this bizarre happenstance I trudged on. And the door barring my passage without blew open and I was blinded by the full force of the divine light.

Friday, February 21, 2014

Excerpt from God Loathes You Chapter 4 Going Back Home

   She would sit with me and talked as I ate. I finished the last of my sausages and drained the remainder of my cup of coffee. She took the cup and said, “Be right back with a fresh cup,” smiling that sweet innocent smile. So warm I felt in her presence.

   I took out my pack of smokes and removed a cigarette. I lit it up and took a drag. I held the smoke in my lungs enjoying it building up in my lungs and slowly exhaled. A smoke never tasted better than after a good meal. So I enjoyed my cigarette and avoided the steely old lady’s stink eye. I believe she was jealous of Jenny, the younger waitress. Mainly due to all the attention she was giving me and how I relished in it. Or perhaps she just missed her glory days when all the guys gave her the attention.

   Jenny returned and plopped down beside me and handed me a fresh cup of coffee still hot. Steam rose from the plain white coffee decorated with a yellow star and black letters that read Mom and Pop’s Diner. “Thank you, kindly,” I said playfully.

   “Why, good sir, you are most welcome,” she retorted laughing a bit too loudly.

   Some of the customers took notice and glanced over at her and she covered her mouth with her hands and her cheeks reddened. Clearly she was little embarrassed but I dispelled her unease by whisper to her,” I think you are even cuter when you’re blushing,” and reached for her hands.
She laughed again quieter this time and took my hand in hers and we shared a moment. The kind of which silence said all we felt and any attempt at speaking would ruin. I felt her hand caress mine and her warmth washed over me. And I drew closer to her and kissed her on her cheek. She giggled and turned to face me but looked away. Her playful ruse of inhibition only secured my passion for her.

   “Sorry, I got to get back to work and finish my rounds but after which we can talk some more,” she smiled excusing herself. Our hands slipped apart but the connection remained.

   Her shift ended ten minutes later and we resumed our conversation and headed outside. She sat on the hood and I next to her and we closed until our faces touched. Her breath was sweet and tangy like orange mint gum. The early morning chill lingered in the air but all I could feel were our hearts beating loudly like bongo drums at some festival in some forgotten corner of the world. One moment we remained still enjoying the closeness of our bodies and the next our baser urges won out and we kissed.

   “I didn’t imagine this escalating so fast,” she started amidst laughter. And she kissed me again.

   “Well, I hadn’t planned on feeling anything. Not for a long time,” was my reply. The bitterness was absent from my voice and made it sound unfamiliar.

   She paused and looked hesitant and before I could say anything further she buried her face into mine and kissed my lips staying whatever lame string of words I might have spoken. Sometimes not knowing is best. Ignorance can in certain instances be bliss. I held her close to me with one hand and with the other I ran it through her hair. It felt so soft against the rough, dry skin of my palm. I kissed her once more and again I felt that euphoria overcome me and I let it take course. Her lips were warm and moist and soft. The sense of importance in those fleeting moments surfaced anew and I shoved it off.

   Then my pocket vibrated and that killed the moment. One of the few times my pager went off and it had to be at the worst possible times. I made my apologies and asked her where I could a pay phone. She pointed in the direction I had driven in from and I said I promised to be right back. She smiled that warm armor shattering smile and waved her hand mouthing the words hurry back. I nodded and double-timed it to the pay phone.

   I checked the number one last time and sure enough it was my Uncle Jack’s number. That man always knew what I was going to do before I did. I sighed and took out some change from my pocket and fed the phone. I waited and listened for the dial tone and moments later I heard that familiar squeaky voice that could only belong to that weasel of a man I called my favorite uncle.

   “Hey, you were trying to get a hold of me old man?” I said speaking loud into the speaker.

   “Yeah, I just wanted to make sure you hadn’t gotten into a wreck or something worse,” his weasel voice was soft sincere.

   This man was one of the few on his dad’s side that never had a hidden agenda. He kept things within the black and white. No gray areas when you dealt with him. For that reason alone I admired the man.

   “I appreciate the concern but I am a big boy and I can look after myself. But don’t you worry my mind is free of guilt over that broad,” my bitterness over the whole matter took hold.
I didn’t blame the old man. It wasn’t his fault. The heart may go cold at times but it never forgets. And I was in the business of forgetting and that was the main reason I smoked weed and drank so much.

   “Okay wise guy you just remember there are people in this fucked up family of ours that give a damn about you and don’t want you throwing away your life so recklessly,” his voice sharpened but the sincerity was still present.

   I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I know Uncle Jake, don’t worry. I am good, and I will be in the city by morning,” I promised and hung up.

   The return walk back to my car was short but felt longer. So many thoughts emerged. Some were familiar and some were new brought on by talk with Uncle Jake. I played them all through in my head in fast forward. Most of them were little more than a blur while a particular few painted a recognizable canvas of thought. Chief amongst them was the decision to move back to Long Island and whether or not it was for the long haul. But as I got closer to her and my car they faded to the back of my mind and the warmth of her presence took hold. And I let myself get lost in its embrace.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Second Chapter of my novel God Loathes You

Out of School & Out of Mind

High School was over and done with and I was a grown up and didn’t have a clue what I should do with myself. So I had considered moving back to the state that was imperial and the island that was long. If you didn’t catch any of that then you may need a clearer explanation; Long Island, New York-Levittown to be more precise. I hadn’t been there since I moved down south and missed the simple northern suburban lifestyle of New York. But who am I kidding? I just wanted out of Carolina of the North and back home.

Most of the money earned at Burgertown had been spent on foolish things that children deemed important until you met girls and grew up. So my plan to make my egress from the state I loathed and return to the place I longed to be in was not coming together. I needed to get a new job preferably one that paid a lot more than the burger establishment. By this time I had become a pro at filling out applications and acing the shit out of resumes. The secret was to embellish the supposed factual information. I mean who hasn’t done that? You got to feed them the shit they want to hear. Otherwise if you get lucky enough to get a call for an interview they’ll thank you for coming in and send you on your way. No call back. Nothing. It may seem harsh but that’s the brutal truth.

Two months passed without so much as a single call let alone an interview and then one faithful morning I get a call from Blockbuster and it was like hell yeah. Interview time baby! This all transpired in my head. On the outside I was cold as ice stern and serious. I’ve always had a knack for keeping it together even at the worst of times with a few exceptions but I digress. The interview was for the following afternoon so that gave me time to sweet talk cash out of my folks and head down to the department store.

I stopped in at the gas station down the street from my house and filled up. It was the pay before you pump situation. So I pulled in alongside pump number one and exited the car and made my way to the office and entered. As I drew closer to the store attendant I noticed her eyes were fixed on me intently and I mean they bore a hole through me.  Playing coy and oblivious I turned to look behind me and looked from side to side. Sure enough there was not a soul present. Just the two of us and the stores wares in a confined space cooled by a reliable central air system.

The air conditioner was working but I felt hot and sweaty and in that moment horny. She seemed to take notice of my current state and relished in it. Her long fiery red hair hung down free of restraints and highlighted her soft pale complexion with speckles of freckles. The kind only redheads had the ability to pull off. And pull it off she did; quite well might I add.

I lost my train of thought and damn near lost something else if not for her angelic voice soft and gentle speaking out and breaking the proverbial ice. In that moment I began to feel the minor chill from the air conditioner. And the next moment I regained my composure and put my manhood in check long enough to get out a few words,”hey, I don’t believe I’ve seen you in here before, pretty lady,” smiling like a fool. She smiled back and I was in. Once again I won over a sweet young and beautiful gal with my charm.

“No, I just started this crummy job to pay for college,” she retorted biting her lovely lips.

“I hear ya,” was my reply. And it was the truth. “I just got a call from blockbuster of all places. Got me an interview tomorrow,” my voice sounded pleasant but my eyes betrayed me.
“Ha, that place sucks balls. Let me tell you,” she said amidst a short burst of laughter. Not the happy kind like when someone tells you a funny joke but the kind where you rather be pissed but in spite of everything you repress said emotions. Such is the nature of being an adult I suppose.

“Why, what happened?” I pried, taken aback partly because I had actually liked renting from there, but mainly because it might be my next place of employment.

She took a moment to compose herself and stared me dead in the eye with those lovely shiny emeralds for eyes and told me her tale of woe. Out of respect for her I won’t divulge too much sufficed to say both the manager and assistant manager had tried to assail her womanhood. Now, before I go on I want to set the record straight. I have had sexual relations with women and maybe more than the average Joe but that doesn’t mean I lack respect for the fairer sex; quite the opposite I love women-all of them. There is something special and beautiful about each and every last one of them.

I paid her for the gas and took my leave of her presence and returned to my car and filled her up. I was about to hop in and ride off before I was stopped. She appeared from the ice palace within and I feared her delicate features would melt turning into ooze and filter down into some drain and be lost forever. So I closed the driver side door and met her halfway and she forced a smile. Her malcontent behavior was no fault of my own. I knew that but it still hurt me to see such a beautiful creature so broken. Perhaps that was my curse, or a gift I am still not quite sure. Nevertheless, we talked some more and this time she gave me her phone number and a kiss on the cheek as a thank you. See women like a man to listen every once in a great while.

Her name was Kimberly and I was content once more. I mean she had managed to pull me out of my funk in a matter of minutes and I’d been trying for the longest time. I guess we were what we both needed. My fiery redheaded goddess was the flame that would light up my life metaphorically and literally. In hindsight I could be to blame at least partially. Anyway I drove to the department store and picked up some slacks and a nice button down dress short with tie and all. I never liked dressing up and playing nice. At that point in time I had to swallow my pride and get the job. The cash wasn’t going to rain down on from the heaves.

The next afternoon I woke up late and had less than an hour to get cleaned up, dressed and make the interview. The alarm continued to ring and ring. Then came a knock at my door and I heard my mom’s angry voice, “Shut that damn thing up and get your ass off to that interview,” and she ranted some more but I couldn’t make it out. Maybe that was for the best.

I sprung out of bed and stripped down to my birthday suit and darted to my closest. I produced my bathrobe after donning it I preceded to the second bathroom of which we had two and a half with the half being downstairs. Time was ticking and it did so spiteful like father time himself was pissing on my face and saying like some more?

I didn’t let the water heat up and I just lathered my naked body and rinsed off. Barely out of the shower I dried off and slipped on my bathrobe. My father happened to be headed to my room to make sure I wasn’t still dozing, no doubt. I headed him off and reassured him I was going to make it to the interview, get the job and be out of their hair. He threw up his hands in defense trying to make me believe that I mattered and that they weren’t disappointed in me. But I told him to just keep the imaginative faerie tale to himself. I had heard it one time too many. He called me a snotty little piss ant who didn’t take life too seriously. And to tell the truth I couldn’t argue with him looking back.

Long story short the interview was over quicker than I had time to recollect and went well. Still something didn’t sit well with me. Thinking back to what fair and broken Kim had opened up to me about made me loved my new manager. This charming and ambitious young man was the same sex starved piece of shit with a gang rape fetish. This was going to be a fun summer. Boy could I wait. Not really.

Despite my personal reservations about being around my new boss and my undying urge to punch him in the kisser I went to work. I needed the cash and my hunger for making my exodus from this hellish version of Mayberry won out. My first night at the video store was easy and uneventful. A few people dropped off VHS tapes and some rented a video or two. Other than that nothing much of note happened. The assistant manager in training Clive Owens was there but he kept to himself and that was fine with me.

After work I drove home and on the way I stopped in at the gas station and all of the people who could be working the night shift it was her. I stepped back outside and sighed. I relished in the silence and cool crisp night air. I tried to come up with an excuse to get away and hide my blockbuster work shirt. I felt guilt bringing her any reminder of the shitastic place of ill memory. Drawing blanks I dug my hand into my pants pocket and produced my smokes and a lighter. I removed one and put the rest back in my pocket it and lit the cancer stick. It worked its magic immediately and before long my rattled nerves like a ship at sea during a storm mellowed out and part my sky. The cherry was a fiery and mind clearing sun. Nicotine was my primary vice and it worked wonders. Mary Jane was still a stranger to this mostly wholesome young man.

I got lost in the euphoria of my blissful nicotine high. I finished cigarette, dropped it and stomped it to death scattering loose tobacco on the dirty concrete. I glanced up and inside the station. I saw her and she was busy with a customer and I smiled. For a brief second there I caught her smiling and it made me smile. Then she caught me staring and waved me on inside.

So we began seeing each other and I was happy. And I guess she was too. She found out I worked at Blockbuster but told me not worry. She didn’t think I was like that dick of a manager who was my boss. I didn’t quite believe her but I let the matter slide. And everything was kosher and that was the happiest I had been in a long time since you know…I never forgot about Steph but I had to move on. She did.

The morning after the fourth of July I had arrived late to work and still smelled of woman’s perfume which would have been fine and all. If it weren’t Kim’s perfume and the manager wasn’t familiar with its tortuous sweet scent. That was when I got to see him for who he really was the self-serving pompous punk who got off making women give it to him whether they wanted to or not. I learned from him how much I loathed little power-hungry assholes that disrespected the lady folk. No matter my feelings about him I had to keep my cool and play stupid. “What are you talking about” I asked shamming innocent.

He cursed some more and took a step back and seeing that innocence in my eyes he shutdown angry Freddy and instead of firing my ass he said, “It’s just I’ve smelled that scent before and well it brings up some things I’d rather forget. Women, you know?” he smiled. Another fit of rage swelled up inside me and I felt the urge to knock that smug smile off his self-satisfied face. Instead I nodded and said I understood. Oh, I did understand-you self-serving, womanizing prick. Thing was I need the job real bad and he knew it. I hate him more than ever after that altercation and not just because of what he did to Kim but my reasons became personal.

A couple weeks passed and I didn’t see much of him and that was fine with me. I was working late just before closing. And I was about to close up when a woman clearly distraught entered the door and I told her I was about to close. She asked me if I had seen Todd. And I said no he was on vacation. She forced a laugh and sighed and this was the type of sigh that conveyed anger and futility. I attempted to console her but she waved me off. She thanked me for trying to do the right thing and all but it was clear as day that she had been another of Todd’s victims.

She opened the door and started out the door and I made to lock it behind her. Then she stopped and turned to face me and started to cry. I wanted to rush to her aid and making the hurt go away. Instead I remained where I stood and waited for her to open up. This was the nature of women I would learn to accustom myself to. They were human after all and no matter how much they fought to our equals and receive mutual respect they were some emotional creatures. And I adapted to fit their need and listen to them. I guess I became their self-appointed shoulder to cry on if you will.

I locked up shop and took her home and on the way she asked me to stop at the liquor store around the corner from her place and I complied.

We reached her house and I walked her up to the front door and wished her a good night. She smiled and her cheeks reddened and I played it cool. I turned to walk away and half way back to my car I heard her door open and closed. I turned around thinking to find her gone. But what saw was her smiling at me and brandishing the bottle of Jack. Curse my weakness to booze and the ladies. I directed my gaze to my feet but not before I gave her a knowing smile.

We congregated in her kitchen and I cracked open the bottle of JD and pour us each a glass. Yeah I know underage drinking should never be condoned and I don’t. Still it was all in good fun and it wasn’t my first time partaking of the fire water. And it goes well with cigarettes. I handed her a glass and I took mine in hand and rose them up in silent cheers. I took a deep pull of my whiskey and peered over my glass and at her lively face cheeks still red from blushing. In that moment I was at peace and maybe it was the liquor starting to work on me or some real emotion was welling up inside me. Either way she started to relate her sad episode of bad sitcom falling in and out of love with Todd Phillips. Yes, he was the very same pompous and arrogant little prick that did my Kim and was my boss.

I just stood there quiet as a little church mouse and drained the rest of my liquor and filled it anew. I offered her some more but she declined showing me her glass. I nodded and placed the bottle of Jack on the counter. I stole peeks at my watch and saw it was getting late. And she caught me the last time and scoffed and told me if I was boring her I could just go. I reassure her that she was anything but boring and that my folks didn’t like me coming in all hours of the morning which wasn’t necessarily a lie. She threw up her hands and said she understood. I was about to add that I had a lady of mine and thought better of it not because I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. Far from me to be the jerk who straddled to broken women in need of mending instead I told her I had to work early in the morning and I was not keen on early wake up calls.

I felt bad the whole ride home trying to think of a reason to turn around and go back. Nothing came to mind and I went home alone. I entered the house through the garage on account of the front door making too much racket whenever you tried to open and close it. The damn old house kept settling and shifting. It was annoying. I could never catch a break and that was reason enough make me loathe being down south when I always firmly believed my place was back in the Empire State. But I am rambling and you don’t want to hear that shit.

I crossed the distance from where the garage door opened up onto the kitchen and to the foot of the stairs moving like a stealthy ninja. As I began my ascent I heard footfalls and I backtracked to the half bathroom which was off the stairs to the right. “Boy, is that you making all that noise?” My dad’s angry voice rang out echoing in the emptiness of the living room. I remained quiet hoping he’d figured he had imagined the whole thing. My luck just ran out and it was time to pay the piper and the piper had reached his wits end. I stepped out of the bathroom and saw him looking down over me from atop the stairs at the landing.

“Boy, do you have any idea what time it is?”
“Pop, I was swamped with work and I…”
“Don’t you try and pop me not after this latest attempt at trying to test the waters. You know we love you but it comes a time in every man’s life when you got to take responsibility and stop fucking up.”

When he swore it struck me as funny. Not because I hadn’t heard him cuss before but more a result of being intoxicated. He didn’t seem the least bit amused and my chuckle sent his fury to a whole new level of pissed off. He told me how he truly felt and how disappointed he was in me and I didn’t say much save for fuck you and I’d be by later to get my things and I left the house slamming the front door behind me. I think I heard my mom’s voice and I felt a tug on my heart. In spite of our rocky mother-son relationship she always believed in me and helped me keep my shit straight. It hurt like hell abandoning her like I did but I had to leave.

I jumped in my car and peeled out and headed in no particular direction. I rolled down the windows and let the cool night air brush against my heated face. I reached down and turned the radio on and put a cig in my mouth and lit up. My alcohol blood count must’ve been high because my eyesight grew clouded and I drove down to Toisnot Park and parked. Climbing out of my car I swore at the top of my lungs and cursed the world. If there was one thing I was good at it was getting pissed off and expressing myself.

Shortly thereafter I began to feel the effects of intoxication coupled with fatigue. I returned to the warmth and safety of my four door piece of shit that served as my sole means of transport. No sooner did I climb back inside I fell fast asleep. I had a strange dream in which of what I can recall I was the main focus and two women who I didn’t recognize then but can tell you their names now were fighting over me and tried to drag me away. It was a strange dream but it was scary how it was a bit of foreshadowing of events yet to come to pass.

I woke up the next morning, groggy with a pounding headache and smelt of booze and cigarettes. And the stench they exuded was strong and foul. Then I remembered I was scheduled to work that very morning and whatever my current state of being I needed the money. More than I ever did and I had next to none. So first things first I headed home and snuck inside and climbed the steps to my room. I quickly undressed and donned my bathrobe. I took a healthy shit, showered and brushed my teeth. Still in the clear and my father had already left for work. My mom was off today and probably sleeping. Although after last night’s events I had half expected to get an ear full and that was what happened.

That was the thing with New Yorker Mothers that distinguished them from the rest. They loved you something fierce and would always back your play but when you fucked up they’d make you relive it like an announcer giving a play by play commentary. I could sense her hurt and anger at me and I knew better to speak one word. She loved me without reservation but that didn’t give me a get out jail free card. If you had a mother that would crave and give in no matter the shit you pulled I’d say you were either lucky or cursed depending on how you looked at it.

After she told me what for she hugged me and kissed my forehead and told me no matter what she’d love me forever. And I told her I loved her too. Then she told me to get my ass dress and downstairs to have a bite to eat before I took off to work. How I miss you mom. It used to be me and her against the world and now I had lost my key ally in the war with my old man and his nasty temper. She loved me and I her but our relationship had changed and not for the better.

I followed my mother’s word to the letter and got my ass dressed and downstairs. She had whipped up some chocolate chip pancakes with some bacon and eggs over easy. I consumed it liked I hadn’t eaten anything in all of my life and washed it all down with a glass of orange juice. She remarked at my constant need to scarf my food down without enjoying what I was eating. I told her it’s the price of being young. To which she replied I know just take it slow. I got up and put my plate and glass in the sink and kissed her as I exited the house and she told me again that she loved me.

Weeks passed and nothing much happened and I kept on seeing both women. I dated and fucked Kimberly and played hero and a shoulder to cry on for the other lady-Sharon. I had told her I was with someone and that it was exclusive. I felt a lady would understand and appreciate honesty from a guy especially her. And she did. I kept this up for the next month or so and then the big night happened.

I was eating out with Kim at the Golden Choral and having a good ole time. It was nice to have her truly enjoy herself and let go and feel something. And I’m not saying this for my benefit but more for hers. The poor girl had been through the ringer and came out alive. She had begun to live a little and enjoy the good things in life namely me and my charming self. I was happy to see her smile and witness that sparkle of life return to her bright warm loving eyes. I no longer bothered bringing up Todd though I still loathed that asshole a great deal. He was out of sight and out of mind and I owed it to both of us to drop the matter.

She drained the last of her soda and excused herself and I grabbed her in my arms and planted a smooch on her lips which caused her to smile those big dumb smiles that we’ve all experienced when you were with someone that made you happy and you didn’t care about how they made you act. She playfully broke free of my embrace and winked at me. I smiled back and ordered some more soda for us. And turning back to The arrogant self-serving dick with legs graced the place with his less than graceful and smug presence. I felt the happiness ebb and die inside me and the warmth of rage take its place.

I shifted my gaze in hopes that he wouldn’t see me but no he saw me. He waved and started to wave but only threw him an angry what the fuck you doing here stare. “Todd, fancy meeting your pretty boy ass here,” I tried to be civil but only managed mildly annoyed.

“Don’t worry I am not here to bust your chops or anything like that. I’m actually on a date myself,” he smirked hoping to get a rise out of me then he paused and I saw him sniff the air. The calm look in his eyes gave way to one of fury and hungry rage. He knew her perfume’s smell well for he had tried to fuck her doggy style and had her long flowing fiery red hair brushing against his face. The nerve of some people, thought but I kept my cool.
“Everything all right, there buddy?” I asked him stoking the fire that was his rage hoping he’d give a reason to sock him one. The chance came and went and the fires burning hot and bright were put out by a smile and a kiss. She turned to face me and stretched out a hand,”Hey I’m Polly, and you’re Paul, right?” she said introducing herself.

In that moment before I spoke a word thousands of thoughts passed through my mind and I weighed the consequences of the things I contemplated doing. None of which would put me in her graces or allow me to keep my job let lone out of jail for assault and battery. I caught her giving me the stink eye like what’s his problem and sighed. “Yeah, I’m him the one and only and nice to meet ya, Polly,” I said giving her my best smile.
Todd in spite of all you’ve read about him he didn’t want to make a scene and I relaxed a little. Still I felt like he knew who my friend was. And he had backed off to give the impression that he was playing it cool. He never had one ounce of sense least of all a good poker face. He might have fooled his newest soon to be victim with his rueful charms and deception but not me. He was an open book and I wanted to rip him a new one. The only thing that stopped me from doing so was my saving grace.

She emerged from the restroom and walked across the restaurant and with every step I felt my anger dissolve into a puddle of shit and retreat to the bowels of my heart and in place of the anger a rush of happiness washed over me. It’s amazing how quick you are to anger and how easy you get swept up again by those you get intoxicated by being in their presence. Women have that effect for the good, the bad and the ugly. I was soon to play witness to all of them.

I paid the bill and I told her I wanted to get out of there. I gave her a lame excuse that I needed some fresh air and we should go for a drive. She didn’t push the matter and followed me outside. We lit up and smoke a cig and shot the shit in the parking lot and just enjoyed the moment. Not all silences had to be uncomfortable. I don’t know if she saw him and didn’t tell me. And I didn’t want to mention my running into him just case she hadn’t.

I opened her door for her and I drove out of there like a bat of hell and took a detour down Forest Hills Drive and headed toward her house. She looked at me funny and I could tell she was a little shaken up by my sudden change in mood. But she didn’t ask me what was the matter. And I for one am glad you she never pushed me to talk about things if wasn’t ready. Of course my skirting around sensitive topics only postponed the inevitable. And when the shit hit the fan we were all covered with it from head to toe figuratively speaking.

We slept together and had a drink and smoked afterwards and we made small talk and my momentary lapse into complete rage and lunacy had left its mark. Women have minds that are like steel traps meaning they don’t forget a fucking thing much to my dissatisfaction. Still I had succeeded in avoiding a potential explosive situation that would make my little falling out with Steph look like a cake walk compared to what I had coming.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Third Chapter of my novel 'God Loathes You"

It All Goes South

 And it always does one way or another. The night of the big falling out wasn’t far off and I was making preparations to come out with my head attached. I still had my fight or flight and I chose the latter. Sometimes the better man is elusive and quite frankly there is no such thing. Women call us dogs all the time and you know what? I take no offense to that label but I make no attempt to label anyone.

 Most of my free time was spent with Kim or with Mary Jane not a girl but the plant. Herbage. During my time navigating a huge minefield of heavy emotions and resisting the urge to forcibly remove the smug look from my sexually deviant boss I had found a hook up for pot. His name was Dexter Miles, and this was a man after my own heart. Not to mention his green was the truth.
Dexter Miles was the typical dealer, paranoid about everyone being a cop and real stickler to keeping his grubby hands off his own merchandise. But the characteristics I found most appealing about the man was his chilled manner and laid back approach to life. Nothing so much as irked the man. He was the human embodiment of I don’t give a fuck and think what you will. I still couldn’t give two shits about you. And that attitude I could admire. Kim and Dexter got along much to my surprise and he respected me enough to compliment her beauty but to keep hands off. That and the fact his old lady, Tatiana, would aptly cut off his testis if he so much as coughed wrong suited me fine.

 We met at the most unusual of places, at a church. Once again was I lost and searching for answers. My parents, mostly my dad, didn’t want anything to do with a drunk, pot smoking, know it all loud mouth of a son. He was right about a lot of things, most parents are. But I digress back to the church and my wayward soul. I was at a catholic church and if I had thought about it then I might have it sacrilege for a Jewish guy to be in a blasphemous place of worship. Considering that no Rabbi would ever accept this place was kosher. That last thought left me laughing. Sorry folks. So I got up off my one knee and glanced up at the crucified Jesus and thought to myself better you than me big fellow. And as I turned to walk back down the aisle and out of that place of holiness and what not I saw my dealer to be. What caught my eye was his clothing and his sour disposition. He looked like he’s seen some shit and boy had he now.

 Outside the church I bummed a light from him as my lighter had run out of fluid. And he lit his zippo and I said you got something stronger than tobacco. He responded, “You mean, like weed?” To which I retorted,” Yep, and nodded. He bided me follow and follow him I did. We reached his car parked at the far end of the parking lot located in the back of the church. I thought this was guy was going to shoot me and take all of my money or worse. But instead of pulling out a gun and busting a cap in my pretty little ass he took out a briefcase and opened it to reveal an incredibly beautiful assortment of pot. I mean this was any stoner’s wet dream come true. I took out my wallet and with much enthusiasm I paid him his fee and got his number for future transactions.

 “Hey, man. You seem legit. We should hang out at my place, you can bring your woman, and we can bake and then we can grub on some munchies,” his voice bearing a more positive tone.

“Sure thing, brohiem,” and I introduced myself. Shit it was like Christmas and the first day at a new school all wrapped up into one.

“Okay, Michael. Hmm…not much of a typical Jewish name.” he said that without snarky condensation.
“Yeah I guess it has something to do with the meaning of my name and such,” I shrugged that shit off showing my indifference to religious dogma. “All right, I am going to get back home and smoke this in some of the good book,” I said sniffing my bag of cannabis.
We parted company and I had a hook up and a smoking partner. Such good things never lasted nor had no strings attached. In my case it was a bit of both.

 Keeping true to my word I went straight home and rolled up that green unholy goodness and smoked it up in one evening. Mary Jane came to me in my mind altering zombie state and spoke words to me telling me that I need to make a change and get my shit together. It was a terribly wicked high and I thought what the fuck did I take? The strange thing was the voice took on form of a beautiful yet unfamiliar form. A woman I had never met spoke the very words I was soon to hear. Stranger still it struck me as funny and I just sat there in my underwear and laughed my ass off until I pissed in my pants.

 The following day me, my dealer, his old lady, Tatiana, and Kim all got together for a meet and greet. Kim and Tatiana vanished to the living room while Dexter and I opted for a more outdoorsy locale. The back porch was outside but secluded by all those damn tall oaks that it was like having one of those wooden fences surrounding your backyard. From where we sat, around a tiny little coffee table that belonged indoors but found its way to the back patio, we could see the back alley that ran behind my place and keep an eye out for police activity. I assured Dexter that it was chill and he responded by tossing his bag down on the glass surface of the coffee table and out spilled that sweet cascade of green candy. The childish abandon took hold and I was off the races. He joined me in the feeling and soon we were smoking bowl after bowl. His bong was smoking up the back porch and if not for the sweet and unique smell that pot gave off when lit up you could’ve sworn we were grilling for an army.

 On about the fifth bowl we took a break and smoked a couple of cigs. He was telling me about his next door neighbor growing up, and his yellow wig and pair of coconuts. This man fancied himself a blond with those coconut halves as boobs whenever he got drunk and would sing, “I’m a blonde bombshell, come and take a look at me now,” he’d shout. I stared at Dexter expecting a repressed smile that hid back laughter at mu gullibility to believe his tall tale and to my surprise it never came. I just laughed freely then and asked him who the nutter was. He told me the crazy man that dressed up like a blond with coconut shell halves for tits was his former Math teacher. And hearing this I just didn’t know if I felt like laughing anymore or closer to vomiting. He noticed my sudden revulsion and said he never laid a hand on me. Still I swore audibly and told him that was some seriously fucked up shit. He laughed then and I joined in feeling more comfortable with that solemn facial expression devoid of any such joyful emotion. It turned out he was full of more such tales. One thing was clear this man had seen some shit in his time.

 The night wore on and we headed indoors more because it was getting chilly and we were hungry than we wanted to. The girls were lying on the couch. Tatiana had rested her pretty little head in Kim’s lap and they were telling each other stories and the carefree moment without was fading with the heavier and more earnest one taking shape within. The living room was warm and smelled of females and sweet strawberries. The former was a good thing and the latter was due to Kim always lighting those incent sticks. I was rather fond of the scent and was reminded of her personal aroma and taste. Dexter interrupted my quick deter back down bedroom manor road and said the smell of strawberries was fucking with his hunger. I pointed the way to the kitchen and the refrigerator.

 I stole a glance over my shoulder and mouthed the words I want you tonight, and she smiled saying, I know. She was a remarkable and beautiful woman. And thanks to her time spent with me she was strong and whole again. It was more on account of her being a strong woman than my being there for her. Still I’d like to think I was a positive influence on her. Even just a little would suffice. Her smile and playing coy in face of being high and horny stuck with the remainder of the night. My loins were on fire and I had my work cut out for me. Nevertheless I had company and one thing my folks had taught me was to keep them entertained.

 We grabbed the grub out of the fridge and made sandwiches and took a few beers and carried it all to my study. I had a TV in there and we could watch some movies on VHS. Although by then DVD players were available for purchase in the US I didn’t have one. So I popped a tape in the VCR and sat down. With food in hand and a good beer the night was off to a great start. Dexter appeared to be enjoying himself too. The video we watched was about men and the stupid shit they pulled when trying to pick up women at bars and clubs. Whoever came up with this idea had a sick and twisted sense of humor because his or her sole purpose was to berate and emasculate the guys who approach every single woman in those places only to be rejected by them all. I mean I’ve had bad moments where I couldn’t get any love from the ladies but this shit transcended that. These guys didn’t pull punches and in face of countless failures they pushed on and took all the slaps and alcohol to the faces. They were a persistent bunch I’d give them that much.

 “These guys are a bunch of pansy ass clowns,” Dexter commented on this one group of guys who after getting dirty looks from these two blonds at the bar moved on to the next group of girls.
“I concur, my man, at least talk them. Gee at the very least give them a piece of your mind,” I said amidst laughter.
“For Christ sake, grow a paid would you?” Dexter cackled.
I looked over at him and stared. He stared right back and his eyes said what’s up motherfucker? I laughed my stupid little high ass off and he joined in. “I thought you were going to say something, motherfucker,” I added later.
“I was but I forgot what it was, motherfucker,” Dexter said cackling anew.

 That laughter would stick in my mind for the rest of my days. Nothing spoke of sheer unadulterated and complete joy then a good laughter. Hell some doctors say laughter is often the best medicine. We finished our munchies and once full felt bloated and went back to the open air smoke box. Some of the neighbor’s dogs started to bark at some unseen noise in the darkness. Those fucking dogs were afraid everything that moved and got startled by their own shadow. Such a waste for guard dogs really.
I cleaned the bong and Dexter prepped the next bowl of green. The night’s chill grew colder still and there we were coming down from our high. Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Nonetheless we hung in there and weathered the storm that and we pulled on our coats. But once the bong was cleaned and the weed was in bowl soon all thoughts save for one were swept away. Once more the night rushed by like a very abstract and picture in motion. After half an hour I no longer recalled having conversation. So many bottles of beer were drunk and many bowls were smoked. The only clear image I can pick out from that night of blotto was Kim and her warm smile and giggle at my state of being. She seemed to be there and not there at the same time like ripples in a pond after you skipped a rock across its surface.

 I woke up in the afternoon the following day and my head felt heavy and my vision was blurry and my stomach felt like a lake of liquid fire. Nevertheless, I had awoken in my own bed and that was a good sign. Lying next to me was Tatiana and that was when I was like shit. Shit. Shit. Tell me nothing happened. I felt sick to my stomach. I mean I was already feeling that way on account of the day after hangover but to find myself in bed with another woman was a little unnerving to say the least. I tried to get up on my feet. My body felt awkward and my legs were shaking like it had been partially melted. So I opted to the next logical move. I crawled out of bed and landed with an audible thud on the flood in front of my bed head first. I screamed out in anguish. But in my moment of pain and suffering I got a gift from on high. Dexter was on the floor unconscious half naked and with his thumb crammed up in his cake-hole.

 I lay down and stared at the stark white ceiling and watched the blades of the ceiling fan spin round. Once I felt an iota of strength return I rose to my feet and scampered on cat paws to the kitchen. I took down a glass from one of the cupboards and took the bottle of orange juice from the fridge and poured a glass. It trickled down my dry warm gullet and moistened the inside of my being. I felt like hurling and orange juice was the only thing I could keep inside me. The sunlight returned and blinded me causing me to drop the glass on my bare feet. I swore under my breath and bent over to pick up the shattered glass only to lose my balance and hit my head on the counter and down I went.

 It was at this time Kim had woken up and rose from the couch in the living room. Her slumber had been cut short on account of my clumsy hands and fallen out of bed. She swore out loud and then lowered a decibel seeing me standing there naked all for my black underwear. She smiled and her disposition softened and I threw her a sheepish smile and glanced down at my feet and the small puddle of blood beginning to form a tiny lake of rusted crimson. The pain lingered and I felt woozy but it wasn’t due to blood loss although I am sure that didn’t help matters any. She ran over to me and slapped me gently on my cheek, and called me stupid and asked why I couldn’t be more careful. Oh how vivid and fond that memory is. She cared about me a great deal and still does. I guess.

 Around this time our guests returned to life and they collapsed in a heap which was audible from the kitchen. I could hear them both moaning and swearing. Apparently their close proximity to one another had caused them to collide with one another. Gravity oh you are a heartless bitch. Kim and I shared a smirk and laugh and together we quickly cleaning up my mess and tossing the shards of glass in the trash. All the while our guests stumbled about like stampeding water buffalo in the Serengeti.
As amusing as this may sound it wasn’t a pleasant sight to behold I’ll tell you what. My drug dealer was red in the face and his Iron Maiden t-shirt was stained just below the collar with what I assumed to be a sick and smelly collage of drool, barf, and spilled booze. His mate, Tatiana, was far better condition. No stench to speak of but she did have a wet stain probably from snuggling with her bear of a lover. Her face was flushed and eyes looked droopy. They looked like an escaped carnival act minus all the clown makeup. It was a sad situation for all those involved, yours truly included. That’s the thing with partying. The night of the party is all fun and stars and rainbows but the day after is when the true evil of this misadventure rears its ugly head.
So the rest of the day was us all nursing our hangovers and cleaning our soiled clothes. We sat out back on my wooded porch and smoked a few bowls and relaxed. The sunlight had faded with the passing of the afternoon into evening and the emergence of cloud cover overhead. Rain followed shortly thereafter and forced us indoors. Sodden in our wet rags we stripped down to bare minimum and again tossed them in the wash. The stench of wet and molding clothes isn’t something you’d ever forget and would not want repeated. Tatiana and Kim put on dinner while Dex and I kicked it on the couch laughing at some shit that is long forgotten. It must’ve been awfully amusing because we talked about it for the duration. The girls joined us and we shared another bowl and split up in twos and made out.

 After the love-making ceased and the conversation dulled down we congregated around the table and had our evening meal and played adults. In truth we were terrible at being grownups what with being semi functional man-childs and girls in adult clothing. There are times in one’s life when you had to relive your more innocent and wide-eyed childhood days; the times when you hadn’t a worry in the world and wanted to get older so you could do what you wanted. Until you reached the age you became legally an adult and how you spent days pining away about childhoods lost. I guess life being a circle is true to some extent. Maybe. Maybe not.

 The evening concluded with our guests taking their leave and Kim and I picked up the house. The damage had been done just I didn’t know it yet. I wish I had known. Maybe I could have helped ease her mind and changed the outcome of the blowout that was forthcoming. She was damaged in more ways than one much as I was. And perhaps that was what had drawn us together. Still I regret not having admitting to myself that she wasn’t really okay.

 The night it happened started out much like any other. I locked up shop for the night and closed my drawer and placed the cash in the safe. Freddy was there making schedules for the next couple of weeks. Things between us hadn’t improved much but we were at least civil at work. He had to have known I was seeing Kim and it must have chapped his hide. His mannerism was pleasant but that was more professional courtesy than actual kindness. Fuck him I thought. He had a chance to get close to her and he chose to fuck her mind up. I played it cool and temper and short fuse I didn’t say anything other than what pertained to my work. It was hard not punching him dead in the face and knocking off that smug I am better than you smile off his face. His words about working at Blockbuster stuck with me and that fueled my rage almost to the point of bursting. He claimed that his parents were loaded and he could get anything he wanted but to show his father he could be his own man he got a job. Of course his family name and money landed him a lofty position of authority. The fuck-tard was the vane of my existence and I wanted to put him and Mayberry far behind me.

 Once I finished up my duties I grabbed my jacket and left through the back door. I made sure the door locked behind me and jumped in my car and was about to pull out when he appeared and shouted for me to stop. I rolled down my window and felt the breeze brush across my face and still my face felt warm and was reddened. “What is it, man?” I shouted putting my car back into park. He approached the driver side and stayed out of reach of my fists. Smart move I thought. It was clearly written on my face that I needed just one reason to get out and sock him one.

 “Man, I called Kim and asked her to let bygones be bygones but she broke down and cussed me out and I was drunk. And I said something I shouldn’t have…”

 “You did what?” I paused trying to suppress the urge to climb out of my car and punch his ass out. “Tell me what you said?”

 “Hey, fucker, don’t get your panties in wad. She called me the other day and said she wanted to make amends but that was all.” His smirk and smug expression firmly back in place gone was the mock professional courtesy.

 He knew he hit me hard and there was nothing I was going to do about it. I guess he figured I needed the job more than he needed having to keep making schedules for me. Whatever the case maybe I processed a lot of information and tried to make sense of what I saw in my mind’s eyes. On one hand he was in a place to say whatever he wished with impunity. Still I felt obligated to punch the holy dog shit out of him out of respect Kim and my own male ego. I opened and slammed the car door shut multiple times swearing at that pompous tool.

 “Look, if you want to keep your job, I suggest you leave now and think about things. Otherwise you act on your anger and hit me. That is your choice, of course. But I recommend you keep this childish rage in check else you’re going to find yourself not only unemployed but facing charges,” his arrogance knew no bounds, the prick.

 I flipped him off and he laughed. I threw my car into reverse and peeled out leaving tread marks on the paved parking lot. The whole ride home I felt my rage building up and implode and I hit my steering wheel bloodying my knuckles which did nothing but serve to piss me off all the more. I swore out loud and with the window rolled down I am sure that passersby heard my audible obscenities. I didn’t give a fuck what if anybody thought about me during my unbridled rage. The singular thought that remained clear in my mind was getting home to talk to Kim and find out what the ass had said.

 I sped down lane and my car squealed to a halt as I climbed out and took the steps two at a time and slammed the door behind me. Kimberly, the sweet girl, jumped at my sudden emergence from without. I took a step back and fell on my ass and rested my back against the front door which still rattled. I heard her grasp and quickly directed my gaze to the floor and hid my eyes with my hand. I was pissed off and felt like doing something extreme but managed to keep my shit together. The super glue that held me together was her. And the funniest part about all this was my feelings for her also presented me with the problem that wrecked me day in and day out. Every day I wondered if today was the day the shit would hit the fan. It never happened and I was thankful to have yet another day of bliss. One day with her was a gift. She was the first girl I had felt strongly about. Sure Steph had impressed upon me but I was only beginning to discovery my sexuality. Call me what you will, ladies, but being a young man coming of age isn’t easy.

 She helped me to my feet and I know she saw my hurt and rage and said nothing. That was the kind of person she was. She hated confrontations and cared too much. I say too much because she had gotten hurt. My boss and her abuser had taken advantage of her kind nature and that very notion was what set my instant disgust for that arrogant prick. I got me a bottle of beer from the fridge, popped off the cap, and took a deep pull of the ice cold alcoholic beverage to calm my nerves. All it did was wet my whistle. She cupped my face with her soft gentle hands and made me look at her. She smiled and leaned in and kissed me once on the mouth and one on the forehead. I felt her kisses and relished in their delicate and soothing touch. The fire that burnt in my heart was hotter than the flames of hell began to die down. As if some firefighter had descended to the inferno that was my emotional state and doused the fire out with some sweet and endless holy water.

 I stood there for a moment confused. I didn’t want to tell her what had gone down at work with Freddy. I didn’t want her to join me in my personal torment. Of course she had figured out what had made me sink to the depths of my depth less pool of loathing. She stepped back and her smile vanished, “Freddy told you what happened, didn’t he?” she said it more as a factual statement than a question.

 I downed the rest of the beer and started to swear but instead I steadied myself, “Yeah, he did. He told me he had called you and you broke down again,” my lips trembled as I felt the rage return. She started to cry and her makeup smeared and ran down into her eyes. She wiped her eyes and fell to her knees as her back slid down against the counter next to the kitchen sink. I walked over to her and offered her my and she took it pulling me down. I looked her face kissing away her tears, and pulled her close. She hugged me firmly and I let her cry it out. I had made up my mind to personally take care of the Freddy problem once and for all. The thought of the consequences to my actions didn’t surface until much later.

 We made love that night and tried to reconcile our anger and emotions with sheer physical lust and pleasure. It worked to a certain extent but my mind never changes once it’s made up and Freddy would get his. I wouldn’t do anything to drastic perhaps just a punch of two but that was it. The truth of the matter was the thought of doing him bodily harm was pleasant and made me relax a bit. Thinking back on how the act would make me feel is sickening but I understand my decision and don’t regret it.
I woke up early the next morning and made us breakfast and we ate it without words spoken between us. Somehow I felt as if she could tell what was going on in my mind. Maybe she did know what I was thinking and wanted me to do it. The way he hurt her and how deeply it scarred her maybe she felt the bastard had it coming. In any case she didn’t stop me from leaving the house and I drove to work. The drive over was uneventful and I caught all the green lights. This was a sign from above that my plan was given the green light; quite literally.

 I arrived at work first and was greeted by an empty store and quiet. Much as it was every day I opened up shop. It was in that moment upon entering the quiet and peaceful tranquility of the video rental shop did I feel a sliver of doubt. Not that was I afraid of going toe to toe with the prick that had become the proverbial thorn in my side. My feelings for him were very real. So real I could taste them.

 An hour later the store was abuzz with customers perusing shelves of games and videos. I was till alone and Freddy was nowhere to be found. More the doubt crept in and sought to oust the resolve to play out the thoughts in my head. The only thing that kept me focused on my plan of action was remembering her tears of pain and anguish this morning. And my rage fueled to life and kindled the fire that was determination. I made her an unspoken promise to take care of things. And her silent thanks were all the permission I need to act. So I put the plan in motion playing out every possible aspect in my head making sure not to miss anything.

 Freddy arrived a few hours later and his disposition was much as it was any day only today his smug smile and professional courtesy just seemed less genuine and more you know I got your by the balls. My eyes flared up and I saw red and I rushed him and he fell under my weight and we fell to the floor and I punched him repeatedly and it was all he could to shield his face. His arms were strong and shielded much of the initial volley of blows. He kept shouting the same thing, “you’re so fucked,” but I was lost in my fit of rage. I kept up the assault and found an opening, just catching his chin and he wept out in pain.

 And then she showed up and reached down to pull me off him. I couldn’t distinguish friend from foe and pushed her aside and kneed him twice more in the abs. He winced and drew back his fist and struck a blow. The sheer pain of his fist made my head flail backwards. To be honest under normal circumstances I never did fight much. Not that I was a coward or anything but I fancied myself more of a lover more than a fighter. Again she pulled at me and this time I snapped out of my trance and he slipped away still mumbling that he would have me arrested and how fucked I was. My rage was lucid and if not for her stepping in and my feelings for her I would have tossed his useless snobby ass out the window. Also note what customers that had been in the store when this all began had left all save for a few. The few who remained were young guys and egged us on the type of people who enjoyed a good fight unless they were the combatant.
She hugged me and said, “Thank you, but this wasn’t what I wanted,” as she rested her face against my chest crying fresh tears. I patted her head with one hand and the other rubbed my chin still sore. I kissed her then and she could see the hurt in my eyes as well as the rage. She shook her head and told me to leave. I stood where I was and turned my head towards the door and she shook her head. Again I felt emotions surged anew only these were sadness and loss. In that moment I knew what we had was dead and gone. In my fit of rage I had done the very thing I had sworn not to. I swore out loud and flipped off Frank who just kept on ranting.

 I hopped in the car and peeled out. I waited for less than a split second before I barreled right into traffic, and ran the light, and sped up with music blaring. A few drivers honked their horns in frustration and I flipped them off wishing they’d pull off the road and play mister bad ass. They didn’t placate my ego and instead they drove on down the road away from me and ponded my steering wheel with my hands and turned up the radio more and shouted obscenities the rest of the way home. The idea that arrogant prick had called the cops was not chief amongst my list of concerns.

 After pulling into the driveway I climbed out of my car and entered the house leaving the door ajar. I made a bee-line to the fridge and took out the first bottle of booze I saw, and popped it open. Wasting no time to find a glass I just titled my head back and let the cool beverage funnel its way down my dry and parched throat. I relished in its cold dampness and felt it warm my insides. My mind was in shambles and all I could think of was her crying and his smug smile as if he was getting off on the fact I just fucked myself. In hindsight maybe he had setup this whole scenario in motion once he found out about me and Kimberly. Maybe I am giving him too much credit. Who knows, right?

 Hours passed and finally the pigs arrived. I heard them pull up and was blinded by the flashing blur of red and blue lights. I always believed that the red and blues atop of squad cars were there to confuse and weaken the criminals making them easy prey. I was drunken by the time they burst into the house with their guns drawn, and you’d think my reaction would be to play nice. Oh no, I rushed the cop closest to me, a black fellow who easily dodged my fist and kicked me dead in the abs knocking the wind from my lungs. What happened is all a blur my vision clouded as I was semiconscious somewhere between blotto and lucid. All I recall with any clarity is swearing my ass off and the cops talking amongst themselves.

 I woke up in a drunken tank the following morning with the world’s worst hangover not to mention killer sharp pain in my stomach and chin. The saying you reap what you sew came to mind and I laughed at the irony. I tried standing but found my legs were all rubbery and head was several kinds of heavy and my vision was nonexistent. The bright light in the cell didn’t help matters any. I felt hungry and thirsty and called after the guard on duty, “Hey, what’s a guy got to do to get a little room service around here?”

 Much to my surprise the guard on duty was an easy going fellow who took his job seriously but not that much. He walked over to me and snickered and walked away only to return a few minutes later with a fresh cup of piping hot coffee. The steam rose up from that mug of black liquid. He put the mug through the bars and I took the offering willingly. I thanked him with a gesture of my hands. He nodded and returned to his desk and answered a call. As for me I sipped on my coffee and I felt the warmth return to my body and the caffeine. The latter sent a rush of euphoria through my body. Stimulants tend to have that effect on most people. My awareness of the situation became more apparent the more I came to.


I had a pretty normal childhood. My parents were atypical and my surroundings were the usual thing. What was different was losing those closest to me at an early age and having to deal with this loss in my own way. But I was lucky to have an imagination-very active one at that-and I lost myself in my fictional worlds where all was right in the world. And so I started to write and entertained my friends with my tales of do goods stopping the weekly baddie. My friends and I played outside a great deal from the time we got out of school until it got dark outside and reluctantly we would return indoors. And sure we played video games and spent nights over at each other's house geeking out on NES and SNES but we also watched the Saturday morning cartoons and The Rocky Horror Picture Show. And channel surfing to find the most disgusting and gorefiic flick that was allowed to be aired on the tube.

School was boring and I never had much interest in that place of learning; not until much later on during my development years. My mind was always on the next adventure, and what we would do that day after school, and avoiding those pesky pompous airheads, yeah most bullies are complete retards but it wasn't their fault. My uncle, the younger one, and I were close back then and we would play video games, hike in the woods and come up with all sorts of things to pass the time and I loved helping him decorate the front yard of his house with Halloween decorations. And I remember watching the Star Wars films, the original trilogy, and Indiana Jones on VHS, and later on DVD.

Flash forward several years and I began to near puberty and I had already had my cherry popped in the form of a blowjob by a girl whose name I won't reveal here but to say the least it opened my eyes and woke my inner horn dog. Anyway, I won't delve into that thing here; best left in my writing. And the next post.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

You know when you love someone?

This is a poem that I came up with thinking about the special someone I've had and lost.

When there is nothing you want more, when they occupy your thoughts in every waking moment. When you're alone at night and you still can smell their scent, and long for the warmth of their embrace, and to feel the tender softness of their lips when they kiss you, and then you know all is right in the world because you are not alone to face it. That special someone always supports you even when you are in the wrong, no matter what they got your back come hell or high water. Through thick and thin and back again, that person loves you, and honors you, and will always be there-the person that you love, honor, and cherish in return. The one who caught your eye and makes you happy whenever you see them and your heart skips a beat at every sight of their beautiful and warm loving face. Someone you'd die to spend just one more day with and can't live without. For your whole world revolves around that one person. I have met such a person and she was, is, and will always be the love of my life.