Excerpt from God Loathes You Chapter 4 Going Back Home

   She would sit with me and talked as I ate. I finished the last of my sausages and drained the remainder of my cup of coffee. She took the cup and said, “Be right back with a fresh cup,” smiling that sweet innocent smile. So warm I felt in her presence.

   I took out my pack of smokes and removed a cigarette. I lit it up and took a drag. I held the smoke in my lungs enjoying it building up in my lungs and slowly exhaled. A smoke never tasted better than after a good meal. So I enjoyed my cigarette and avoided the steely old lady’s stink eye. I believe she was jealous of Jenny, the younger waitress. Mainly due to all the attention she was giving me and how I relished in it. Or perhaps she just missed her glory days when all the guys gave her the attention.

   Jenny returned and plopped down beside me and handed me a fresh cup of coffee still hot. Steam rose from the plain white coffee decorated with a yellow star and black letters that read Mom and Pop’s Diner. “Thank you, kindly,” I said playfully.

   “Why, good sir, you are most welcome,” she retorted laughing a bit too loudly.

   Some of the customers took notice and glanced over at her and she covered her mouth with her hands and her cheeks reddened. Clearly she was little embarrassed but I dispelled her unease by whisper to her,” I think you are even cuter when you’re blushing,” and reached for her hands.
She laughed again quieter this time and took my hand in hers and we shared a moment. The kind of which silence said all we felt and any attempt at speaking would ruin. I felt her hand caress mine and her warmth washed over me. And I drew closer to her and kissed her on her cheek. She giggled and turned to face me but looked away. Her playful ruse of inhibition only secured my passion for her.

   “Sorry, I got to get back to work and finish my rounds but after which we can talk some more,” she smiled excusing herself. Our hands slipped apart but the connection remained.

   Her shift ended ten minutes later and we resumed our conversation and headed outside. She sat on the hood and I next to her and we closed until our faces touched. Her breath was sweet and tangy like orange mint gum. The early morning chill lingered in the air but all I could feel were our hearts beating loudly like bongo drums at some festival in some forgotten corner of the world. One moment we remained still enjoying the closeness of our bodies and the next our baser urges won out and we kissed.

   “I didn’t imagine this escalating so fast,” she started amidst laughter. And she kissed me again.

   “Well, I hadn’t planned on feeling anything. Not for a long time,” was my reply. The bitterness was absent from my voice and made it sound unfamiliar.

   She paused and looked hesitant and before I could say anything further she buried her face into mine and kissed my lips staying whatever lame string of words I might have spoken. Sometimes not knowing is best. Ignorance can in certain instances be bliss. I held her close to me with one hand and with the other I ran it through her hair. It felt so soft against the rough, dry skin of my palm. I kissed her once more and again I felt that euphoria overcome me and I let it take course. Her lips were warm and moist and soft. The sense of importance in those fleeting moments surfaced anew and I shoved it off.

   Then my pocket vibrated and that killed the moment. One of the few times my pager went off and it had to be at the worst possible times. I made my apologies and asked her where I could a pay phone. She pointed in the direction I had driven in from and I said I promised to be right back. She smiled that warm armor shattering smile and waved her hand mouthing the words hurry back. I nodded and double-timed it to the pay phone.

   I checked the number one last time and sure enough it was my Uncle Jack’s number. That man always knew what I was going to do before I did. I sighed and took out some change from my pocket and fed the phone. I waited and listened for the dial tone and moments later I heard that familiar squeaky voice that could only belong to that weasel of a man I called my favorite uncle.


   “Hey, you were trying to get a hold of me old man?” I said speaking loud into the speaker.

   “Yeah, I just wanted to make sure you hadn’t gotten into a wreck or something worse,” his weasel voice was soft sincere.

   This man was one of the few on his dad’s side that never had a hidden agenda. He kept things within the black and white. No gray areas when you dealt with him. For that reason alone I admired the man.

   “I appreciate the concern but I am a big boy and I can look after myself. But don’t you worry my mind is free of guilt over that broad,” my bitterness over the whole matter took hold.
I didn’t blame the old man. It wasn’t his fault. The heart may go cold at times but it never forgets. And I was in the business of forgetting and that was the main reason I smoked weed and drank so much.

   “Okay wise guy you just remember there are people in this fucked up family of ours that give a damn about you and don’t want you throwing away your life so recklessly,” his voice sharpened but the sincerity was still present.

   I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I know Uncle Jake, don’t worry. I am good, and I will be in the city by morning,” I promised and hung up.

   The return walk back to my car was short but felt longer. So many thoughts emerged. Some were familiar and some were new brought on by talk with Uncle Jake. I played them all through in my head in fast forward. Most of them were little more than a blur while a particular few painted a recognizable canvas of thought. Chief amongst them was the decision to move back to Long Island and whether or not it was for the long haul. But as I got closer to her and my car they faded to the back of my mind and the warmth of her presence took hold. And I let myself get lost in its embrace.